good-byes.

i have been wanting to write for awhile now, but have been absolutely lost as to how to organize my thoughts.

Nate moved the other week to Denver for work. For lack of a better word, I would describe Nate as the patriarch of our crew. A little older than the rest of us, with some life experiences that have shaped him into a truly stand-up individual, he has been a great friend to all of us. My only regret is that I did not meet Nate earlier. I was sad to see him leave. I know he has been an influence for good in my life.

It was sad/weird saying good-bye but of course you can't shed tears when everyone is around....

So I waited.

I wasn't upset about Nate leaving as much as what it meant.....

Things are really changing.

I couldn't help but think, what's next? Who am I going to have to say good-bye to next?

It turns out I'm going to have to say good bye to everyone.

I'm leaving now (and by now, I mean November 9)

I don't really want to describe everything that went into the decision-- this move is one of necessity-- and I know that it is for the best.

But-- it doesn't make it easier.

My life is here. Everything is here.

Moving to Washington D.C. will allow me to be with my immediate family while I find work, but other than that I will be completely alone.

ALONE.

starts with a prayer. ends with a swear.

School has started, but more importantly INTRAMURAL sports has started.

I'm no longer a student, but I'm back. I think this is my 4th year playing (give or take).

Every year we have an intramural soccer team. This year the team looks more like the crew then anything else. If we don't beat you on the pitch then we'll smoke you on the dance floor. Guaranteed.

I love playing soccer and intramurals tends to foster strong competitive natures in people.

Everyone jokes about church basketball being the "only brawl that starts with a prayer" -- but I think that sums up most intramural sports in general.

4 years of sports and NEVER have I gotten a card. Not even a warning of any kind.

Until last night.....

I haven't been in the best mood lately, so I guess it was inevitable something would happen --

There was probably 1:30 left in the game and we were down 4-2 (which by the way, both goals were mine! They were the result of some great passing and ball movement, so I won't take full credit) I went in and challenged this guy for the ball. It was a pretty rough challenge and he ended up on the ground. The whistle blew and they got the ball. I had no problem with the call. I turned to get back on defense when one of the guys teammates comes up to me and calls me something that's definitely not on BYU's list of approved words.

And I reacted. (In a way I never imagined)

I didn't even hesitate before before yelling "what the f*%@ man" -- and then I pushed him.

Well, I was booked and ejected from the game immediately. But not before Brian was right there pushing people as well. The other team looked stunned. (If you're going to run your mouth, you better back it up)

My first reaction as I was sent off was to apologize to the refs. The last thing you really want to do is tick them off because they can keep you from playing.

I do feel bad about the way I handled the situation. BUT - for the first time in my life I did not let someone do something, or say something to me and just let it go. I have spent my whole life brushing off comments or actions and moving on. By nature I'm just not a fighter. A lot of people have told me I need to stand up for myself and not let others do certain things to me.

Although my actions were definitely not the appropriate way to stand up for myself-- I'm glad I did it.

And I would do it again.....

justified.

Every bboy has a name.

A bboy name.

A list of some of my friends would look something like this :

achilles

tytrain

sloth

nomad

nateruto

undertaker

bumblebee

txt

bangkok

and while living at the slate house, I got the nickname "justified".

Sloth gave me the name because of my (perhaps a little over the top) interest in Justin Timberlake. His first solo album is titled Justified. The nickname fit and I've used it at pretty much every battle I've entered.

While at lunch with a friend of mine the name came up and another meaning was added. She acknowledged my ability to justify many of my actions and said it was a skill that suits me well for entering the field of PR.

An unintentional backhanded compliment?

The thesaurus informed me that synonyms for "justify" include the following :

excuse

explain

rationalize

pardon

exonerate

Watching General Conference left a bad taste in my mouth for the word "rationalize".

Is this the legacy I want to leave behind?

That I was capable of justifying any of my actions.

No.

I'm quite good at it however, and as a result it comes naturally.

But it's time for it to end. It is time for me to begin living my life so that there is no need to justify or rationalize.

I'm keeping the nickname though -- because I'm still an overeager fan of Mr. Timberlake.