i've been "let go"....

there is a lot going on right now, and I'm not quite sure where to begin.

i was "let go" Saturday morning.

and by that, I mean I am back to being single. bleh. not a good feeling. not at all. although the problem is a little more complicated than just the fact that I was deemed incapable of a relationship. The real problem is that this label is accurate of my current state of being.

It sucks when someone tells you something you don't want to hear but you know is true. Do I deserve to be with Kristin, or anyone for that matter? Obviously not.... I failed miserably to show her that she was a true priority in my life.

(I know, trust me I already feel like an idiot, so please spare me the "you're an idiot" comments)

But here's the problem : my friends.

It's not that they don't like her, or she doesn't like them. Well, at least not that I know of. The problem is that she feels that whenever I'm with her, I would rather be with them. Is this a valid concern? Yes! But only sometimes....

I've known these guys for years. I've known her for months. Will there ever be a time when I am capable of a real relationship where I actually only want to be with the girl all the time and move on from the guys? I'm beginning to think not. Scary thought.

Living in the house with the guys I dance with has led me on some crazy adventures, sometimes a little too crazy... But it's been fun. Definitely fun. Can a girl ever replace that?

Not while I'm in that "comfort zone". It's just too much fun.

So what now?

I have to move.

This is probably the hardest thing I've had to do. ( I thought leaving on my mission was pretty hard at the time... but this easily beats that) It's not that I will completely ignore the guys. But moving out will completely change the dynamics of things. I recognize I need to move though. In the short time I have been back from CA I have made NO progression at all, in fact in many ways I have just slipped back into old habits and ways of thinking which has led me to a quick downward spiral.

Will moving suddenly mean I will be capable of a real relationship? I'm not sure. But I know that I will be in a much better frame of mind to be able to properly develop a healthy relationship where I am not constantly wondering what the guys are up to and if they are having more fun than I am. (which by the way is often a thought crossing my mind....)

So where am I moving to? The grandparents. It will be a big change from the environment I am currently in. But I expect to see some pretty swift and positive changes. And once I get my head on straight I'm thinking I should find my own place somewhere....

*Just a sidenote, this is in no way meant to be derogatory towards the guys I live with. It's just that the house is NOT a good environment for progression. Not even close. It's the ultimate comfort zone that is dominated by a strong sort of "mob mentality" at times. Each of us in the house when taken aside and shaken up a bit is a really great person with huge potential. The problem is that putting us together for extended periods of time leads us away from our potential.

It's going to be a rough week. Actually it's already been a rough couple of weeks, and I doubt things will get better right away. I'm not sure the guys really understand why I have to move out... Plus to be honest I don't really want to do this. This is a huge leap of faith. A leap I'm doing with the hope that somehow this will all work out well, for everyone.

*by the way, I brought the mohawk back for a limited time to mix things up... Haha. Oh and I'm trying out the glasses thing as well.